


Five for silver, Six for gold, Seven for a secret never to be told.

by thepotatounderthebed



Category: The Hobbit (2012)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Clubbing, Drunk!Bilbo, F/M, First Date, Fluff, Genderswap, Humor, Thilbo Bagginshield - Freeform, thorin/bilbo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-31
Updated: 2014-07-22
Packaged: 2017-11-27 15:22:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/663531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thepotatounderthebed/pseuds/thepotatounderthebed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Modern day AU with fem!Bilbo and Thorin. They meet in a club and their relationship progressed from there- but There's something Thorin isn't telling Bilbo about himself, and Bilbo's past isn't something she shares with a lot of people either. Bilbo's clean now, Thorin not so much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. An Unexpected Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> Thorin/Bilbo, but Thorin's keeping secrets... both of them are haunted by dark pasts that aren't revealed entirely to the other.
> 
> Ok so basically my first Hobbit fanfic, It's a Thilbo Bagginshield ship. I'm excited about this and plan to add more chapters later. I should update about once a week. If i forget, just email me or comment on it to remind me. thanks for reading, hope you like it!

         

 

            Bilbo was nervous. She didn’t normally go out, and it had taken hours of her friends pleading with her to get her to even put something attractive on. But now, in the dim, loud nightclub, surrounded by people and with a drink in her hand, she was feeling pretty good about herself. She’d gotten a few appreciative looks from men sitting at the bar, a rare occurrence in her daily routine, and was ready to step a little out of her comfort zone.

            Bilbo, born Billie Bo Peep Baggins (her parents had quite a sadistic sense of humour, god rest their souls), was 26 years old and was approximately five foot 2. Her figure was not what you would call voluptuous by anyone’s standards. Sure, she had a few curves, but her standard choice of wardrobe verged mainly on loose shirts and trousers causing her to be mistaken for a boy plenty of times, especially when she pulled her hair back. Her long, red hair, pointed chin and high cheekbones combined with her green eyes gave her an elfin look, but not a lot of people could tell as she looked at her feet about ninety percent of the time.

            Shy and reserved, it was an adventure to go out to clubs or bars feeling confident enough to get dressed up, so when the tall, dark haired man caught her eye and gestured to the dance floor, she threw reservation to the wind, threw back her drink, and threw herself into the crowd. The man found her in no time, and they danced through a couple of tuneless songs before going back to her table. Her friends, whom she vowed to kill later, sat behind the attractive stranger and made suggestive gestures and winked. Bilbo blushed, and the man smiled.

            “So who have I had the pleasure to dance with?” The man asked. “My name’s Thorin. You?”

            “Bilbo,” she replied. “It’s just a nickname- I’m pretty sure my parents were stoned when they named me. My full name’s Billie Bo Peep… the only explanation is that they were either high or hated me.” The alcohol was making her loosen her tongue to the point of chattiness, but she took another sip of the sweet drink in her hand.

            “Well, I think it’s charming. Shall we dance some more?” Thorin stood up and offered her his hand.

            “It’d be a pleasure,” she responded, taking his hand and climbing woozily to her feet. They waded back into the dancing and Bilbo swayed as Thorin held her hips. Bilbo looked up into Thorin’s bearded face and smiled happily. She couldn’t think of a place she’d rather be right then- she was dancing with a tall, dark, and handsome stranger with a drink in one hand and an immense feeling of happiness spilling out of her in waves. She didn’t think she had been this happy in… well, perhaps ever; certainly she'd never felt so unrestrained.

 

            Thorin was quite pleased with himself. While Bilbo might not have been the sexiest or most alluring woman in the club, she was quite possibly the most interesting. Her delicate features weren’t the type that usually interested him, but with her red hair spilling around her face from a messy bun on top of her head, he couldn’t resist. Now, moving with her in the heated crowd, he took a moment to admire her. Her lightly freckled skin had a beautiful pink flush to it from the exertion and her pale ivory dress made her skin look creamy and soft. She looked up at him and smiled from half closed eyes, lips slightly parted, and he felt a rush of unexpected arousal. He grinned at her and promised himself that this one he would not let get away so easily.

            As she looked up at Thorin, panting a little from the unaccustomed exercise, he looked back at her with eyes so dark and a grin so intoxicating she almost shivered. He definitely placed among the top ten most attractive men she’d ever seen. He leaned down and brushed a kiss across her lips, and she gaped in surprise and stopped moving. He looked at her in concern before she stood on her tiptoes and kissed him back. They slowly moved off the dance floor with cries of “Get a room!” and “Oi, cut it out!”

            They sat down at the table they had sat at before and started kissing in earnest. Bilbo was almost in Thorin’s lap and his hands were on her waist before feeling a buzzing coming from Bilbo’s dress.

            “Sorry, it’s me- er, my phone, I mean,” she giggled and blushed, more than a little tipsy. She fumbled with her dress before finally managing to get her phone out of her pocket and flipping it open.

            “Hello?” she asked muzzily.

            “Bilbo? Hey, it’s Lobelia- sorry to rush off but Prim got a bit sick. She had too much to drink… we had to leave. Sorry hon. You can get a ride home, right?” Bilbo scowled furiously. She should have known better than to rely on Lobelia, but couldn’t really blame her for taking care of Prim. Primula was always top in Lobelia’s priorities, and much higher up that Bilbo, who ranked quite low. It probably had something to do with Bilbo inheriting all of her mother’s impressive jewelry when she died, and the whole family knew how Lobelia had coveted it.

            “Yeah, I’ll just get a cab, I guess. Just make sure Prim’s ok.” Bilbo knew her scowl was evident in her voice but didn’t particularly care; for some reason she was delightfully uninhibited that night.

            “Great! I’ll talk to you later, then- Oh, no, Prim, you can’t throw up there! Come on; let’s get you inside-“ the call was ended to sounds of miserable retching.

           

            Thorin examined the girl next to him with great interest, watching the way her innocent features took on a wrathful, angry look that he wouldn’t have wanted directed at him… then again, he always did have a thing for fiery women. He listened to the conversation at his side with great amusement and some worry. “Your friends left you?” he asked. “That wasn’t very considerate.”

            Bilbo sighed. “Nah, Lobelia’s actually my cousin. She had to take care of Prim, but yeah, I guess I don’t have a ride.” She giggled a little though it wasn't very amusing, all signs of anger wiped from her face and body. “I’ll just catch a taxi.”

            Thorin looked at her unsteadiness and wide eyes, not certain that she would be alright to make it home in one piece. “Do you want me to give you a lift? I’d hate it if anything happened on your way home.” And maybe get a little reward for it later. _Ah, shit,_ he thought. _I’m being way too obvious. No way she’ll accept_.

            But all she did was look at him with wide eyes and a huge smile. “You would do that? Thank you so much!” score one for Thorin.

            He helped her unsteadily towards the door of the club, catching her as she tottered in her- she was wearing _heels_? She was even smaller than he’d thought! As they walked out onto the sidewalk Bilbo shivered a little in the cold night air, raising goose bumps on her bare arms. Thorin sighed, and gave her his jacket. She giggled again and looked up at him adoringly, causing him to hold back a low growl of excitement in his throat. As they got into his car, a black Porsche boxer, she sighed and rubbed up against his shoulder. He grinned to himself. He was definitely going to get laid tonight.


	2. What Didn't Happen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin takes BIlbo home and shit goes down... or doesn't.

Bilbo was… drunk. Unbelievably, stinking, drunk. She could hardly believe it. She’d never gotten seriously hammered before, just enough to feel the buzz, but never so smashed she could barely walk. The heels weren’t helping either, so as soon as they got inside she grabbed Thorin’s arm and pulled them off. Without them, she was about a head shorter than him. 

She stumbled and pulled him off balance, and as he caught her, he leaned forward and started kissing her in a way that made her shiver. It was long and deep and desperate, like she was the only thing holding him to this world, and she gasped as she pulled back and looked into his face. He looked at her, eyes dark with lust and staring at her like she was a delectable morsel he wanted to devour. Her eyes widened a little and he growled, a low, feral sound deep in hi throat before leaning in again with another searing kiss. 

They stumbled backwards towards her bedroom where Thorin sat on the edge of her futon and pulled her onto his lap. He reached behind her and unzipped the now wrinkled ivory dress, and Bilbo wriggled a little, letting it slip off her body onto the floor. Thorin’s eyes raked up and down her body, taking in her slim figure and her mismatched underwear. He pulled her back into his embrace and started undoing the back of her bra before feeling her sliding off his lap precariously. 

He looked at her, eyes heavy with lust and confusion. “What’s wrong? Don’t you want to?”

She couldn’t look at him, but instead put her head in between her knees. “I’m ssssorrry… I don’t I don’t feel too good…” Her voice was slurring and she felt dizzy. She knew she was going to pass out at any moment. 

Thorin looked at her until a realization dawned, and boy, was it unpleasant. “You are completely smashed, aren’t you.” It was more of a statement than a question, and despite holding off after seeing how awful she was feeling (obviously she wasn’t a big drinker and had had a lot that night), he was still deliberating convincing her anyways. He was interrupted by a buzz coming from his pocket, which made up his mind. 

He got his phone out of his pocket with difficulty, turning to see Bilbo curled up on the bed, face peaceful and innocent in sleep, and answered the call.

“Hello?”

“Thorin? Hey, I know I promised not to call you unless it was emergency, but…” Bofur’s voice was tinged with panic and Thorin sighed.

“It’s all right. How serious is it?”

Thorin could hear Bofur’s breath catch as he described the situation at home.

 

“Uh huh. Yeah. It’s no problem, really… right. No, I swear, it’s fine. Just send a car to… hold on a sec-” at this Thorin glanced out the window to check the address- “Shire apartments, 1401 Hobbiton road. There’s a sign on the door that says Bag End, should be easy enough to find. Oh, and it’s apartment number 15.” 

Thorin hung up and looked back at Bilbo, now stretched out a little on the bed. He sighed and lifted her up slightly, tucking her under the covers and tying her hair back from her face.

“I do not envy you the hangover you will have tomorrow,” he whispered to her. She sighed a little in her sleep, as if she could hear him, and turned over. He chuckled, though still disappointed, and went to her small kitchen to fill a glass of water for her almost certain hangover tomorrow. 

Collecting his jacket off the floor, he sat at her table, scribbling a small note on a napkin before settling down to wait for Bofur.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Bilbo awoke with a splitting headache and foul taste in her mouth. She groaned to herself and put her arm over her face to protect her sensitive eyes from the harsh sunlight pouring through her window. Suddenly, memories of the night before assaulting her mind, she sat up and her eyes flew open. She groaned and spasmed, the pain in her body for the moment overpowering the mortification she felt regarding the night before. 

She slowly stretched her body out on the bed again, her eye wide as she tried to remember details. Had she really been… giggling? She never gigged! Oh, lord. She was never going to tell anyone about this, ever. As a terrible thought struck her she froze in place, arms still spread out on the messy sheets. She hadn’t… slept with the man, had she? She wasn’t that kind of girl! There was no way she would have lost her virginity to some random stranger she met at a club, but she had also thought that she wasn’t the kind of girl to bring home random strangers… she groaned to herself, on the verge of tears. 

She glanced over on her night table to check her clock and saw… a glass of water? She certainly hadn’t put that there. Not caring where it came from, she grabbed it and took a sip. The lukewarm water felt like heaven inside her dry and smelly mouth, and went down her throat like nectar. 

Feeling slightly better, she got out of bed and headed into the bathroom, where she winced at her own reflection. Bilbo got out her toothbrush and extra strong toothpaste and started brushing while trying not to look at herself. Her hair was a tangled mess, the auburn curls frizzing up and falling in her face. She had bags under her eyes and her skin looked pale, though that was probably just a side effect of the hangover. She groaned again and spat into the sink, her mouth buzzing with peppermint. 

As she stumbled into the kitchen, Bilbo saw a small piece of paper on the table with writing on it. She went over and picked it up, reading the message scrawled on it.

"Took you home, didn’t do anything more than kiss you, scout’s honor. Tucked you in and set up a glass of water for you. If you need anything, call me at 240-353-8053. –Thorin O."

Bilbo could have started in happiness right then and there, but she just sat down and closed her eyes against the flood of relief. She thought she might have felt different somehow afterwards, if she really had… lost it… last night, but you never knew. 

Feeling a lot lighter, she started making herself a quick breakfast. Lots of grease- the grease helps, she reminded herself. The finished product was a couple eggs and sausages that were practically transparent. Sighing, she sat down to eat, and made a note to herself to call Thorin later and thank him.


	3. Running Late and Running Into People

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She's late! For a VERY important date...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry I took such a long while to post, I've been kind of busy- I should have the next chapter up by Saturday I hope. Oh my lord all these hits I feel so gratified thank you guys! also, if you have something you want to see in this, like a plot twist or certain character developement, shoot me an ask on intergalacticinterlopers.tumblr.com and I'll see if I can work it in. If you want to send me prompts for other fics on there sa well, that'd be awesome!

Thorin was in his bathroom, brooding into the mirror and splashing water in his face to help him keep awake when the call came. Not recognizing the number, he answered cautiously.     

            “T. Oakenshield, who’s calling?” short and gruff, he didn’t have any time for telemarketers or crank calls from his nephews.

            “Um, Thorin? Hi, it’s, um… it’s Bilbo. I was just wondering if I could… um… maybe buy you a coffee?” Bilbo’s voice was clearer, more articulate than the night before, but filled with hesitations.

            He froze for a moment. Why was she calling him? Was she angry? He was unable to respond until Bilbo said something that he didn’t hear. His tongue unlocked and he managed to sputter out a weak “what did you say?”

            On the other side of the line, Bilbo blushed furiously and was close to tears. She was just trying to thank him, for god’s sake! Why did it have to be so damn awkward, and to add to the whole pile of crap, he probably didn’t even know why she was trying to thank him! That much was evident from his puzzled “what did you say?” across the perfectly clear phone line.

            “I said… oh, just never mind. Forget I even called, it was a dumb idea. I just wanted to thank you. Um. Bye, I guess. Sorry.” Bilbo sighed and was about to hang up.

            “No! I mean, wait. I just didn’t hear you, I’m sorry. Honestly, what did you say?” he hated when people did that- said something and pretended they hadn’t. Mind games had always pissed him off, and he really wanted to know what Bilbo had said, to see if she was angry or not.

            “I’d asked… well… if you’d maybe wanted to get together sometime. So I could properly thank you, of course,” Bilbo added hurriedly, blushing like a fool and hoping he wouldn’t think she was insane.

            “Oh, yeah, that sounds great. What time?” Thorin relaxed. She just wanted to thank him, probably for driving her home and tucking her in. He could do that, no problem. “Coffee at 1?”

            Bilbo almost melted in relief and contained embarrassment. “I’m busy at one, is 11 okay?” she glanced at the time. 10:45- if they met now at 11 and talked now for 45 minutes she would have just enough time to pick up her wash and make into work by 1.

            “Yeah, sounds great. I know a great little café- the Prancing Pony, over on Bree. See you soon.” He hung up and looked in the mirror. His jeans were probably okay, and there was no one on earth who could get him to give up his leather jacket, but his shirt was a mess. It was splattered with mud and other stains from work the night before, and he wasn’t sure he had any other clean shirts.

 Thorin sighed, and turned around- straight into Fili and Kili. He groaned. “What do you want now, nephews? I’m about to go out!” Fili and Kili just grinned at him.

“Well, Uncle Dearest, we were just wondering-“

“What sweet morsel-”

“You found that you might like-”

“To share with us?” Thorin groaned again as the brothers spoke at the same time, completing the sentence for each other. He did not need this right now.

            “Whatever I found, it’s none of your business, so keep your big noses out of it,” he growled. He scowled ferociously but his nephews just smiled.

“Well, we can’t have you running out with… _that_ shirt on.” Kili frowned and wrinkled his nose.

“Aye, whoever it is will run away in fright if she sees you spattered with mud and god knows what else. Trust us, uncle. We’ll make you look pretty.” Fili said, and he and Kili grinned at each other before dragging Thorin away.

 

 “Dammit,” Bilbo muttered under her breath. She couldn’t find a single damn thing to wear, and although it was a beautifully warm day in late summer, she was reluctant to wear one of her sundresses. Bilbo thought for a moment and tried to recall why she even _owned_ sundresses. It’s not like she wore them outside the privacy of her own home; and she was certainly not wearing any of them to go on what she kind of considered a date.

Especially with Thorin. What was up with him, anyways? Was he the ‘strong and silent’ type or something? Whatever it was, his arrogant assumption that she would know his little café was irritating. It was just lucky that she did.

 Nevertheless, it looked like she might not have a choice, since all her other clothes were at Prim’s house or in the wash. It’s not like she had been expecting to go anywhere on laundry day, though really, the fault was her own. Sighing, she picked the least revealing dress off the hanger and wished for a pair of jeans.

 

Thorin was seated at a table close to the window, jabbing angrily at his phone. He couldn’t believe that he had let his nephews dress him up like this- apparently, one force on this earth _could_ make him take off his jacket, and they were currently occupying his apartment.

Dressed in a pair of dark jeans rolled up at the cuff and a blue flannel, he was sure he looked like a lumberjack. Still, not even his nephews wanted to try to remove his old gray converse, so at least there was that. He wished for an outfit that didn’t make him look like a glamorous woodcutter again and glanced at the time. It was already 11- where was she? He was getting impatient.

Bilbo was frantic. She hated being late, but she couldn’t find her shoes and was forced to wear the sundress after a 15 minute search had turned up nothing but an old sleeping shirt. Bilbo glanced in a mirror, quickly tugged her hair into a loose ponytail, and ran out the door.

“Why, Bilbo, where are you going in such a rush?” Mr. Gamgee, the old man next door, asked her.

“Can’t talk, I’m already late! Sorry, Mr. G!” she could feel his disapproving stare on the back of her neck all the way out the door, where she hopped on her bicycle and started pedaling furiously towards Bree.

Thorin groaned. It was already 11:15, and he wasn’t sure how much longer he could wait. It really was very rude of her. ‘I have things to do,’ he thought. ‘I can’t just wait here and hope she shows up eventually.’ With this thought, he got up from his seat and headed out the door.

Glancing at his phone again, Thorin was completely unprepared for the shrill, “WATCH OUT!” as he was bowled over by an old fashioned bicycle.

Thorin lay on the ground, looking up at the girl who had knocked him over. She swung herself off the bike and out of the sun, revealing her face. Wouldn’t you know it.

“You!” Thorin said, not sounding exactly pleased. Bilbo couldn’t blame him- if she had just run over by a bicycle, she wouldn’t be too happy either.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t- Thorin?” Bilbo recognized his gruff voice and her face fell. “I am so, so sorry. I don’t know what happened- I just came around the corner and I didn’t see you- it’s like you came out of nowhere- I don’t- Oh lord, I am so sorry!” Bilbo’s stammered apologies rolled off Thorin as she tried to help him to his feet, and mollified him a little.

“It’s all right, don’t worry about it. I’m still in one piece, eh?” he said, brushing off his shirt to demonstrate. “I had just been leaving though actually, I waited for a quarter of an hour.” His tone was slightly accusing.

Bilbo paled, and then blushed furiously. “Oh my god, it’s already that late? I had just been cleaning up a little and trying to find some clothes when I called and it got a little out of hand and now I’m late and probably look ridiculous AND to top it all off I’ve made you wait and run you over with my bike. I am so, so-”

Thorin cut her off with a wave of his hand. “Hey, it’s all right. You’re rambling- breathe, and calm down. You don’t look ridiculous at all, either.”

Bilbo relaxed a little at his words and looked at him apologetically. ‘How does she _do_ that?’ Thorin wondered. ‘She can apologize just by standing there and looking at you!’ he felt a little charmed as Bilbo started to speak.

“Again, I’m really sorry. I wasn’t expecting to rush out of my apartment like that, at the spur of the moment. I normally plan things out beforehand. This is not what I’m normally like, I can promise you that.” Bilbo knew she was rambling and couldn’t stop. “Okay, I’m going to attempt to shut up now.” She squinched her face up against the sun and looked up at Thorin. “You’re… you’re a lot taller than I remember,” she said, eyes widening as she took in his six foot, 4 inch frame. Frowning, she clapped her hands over her mouth.

Thorin grinned. ‘This just might be worth the wait,’ he thought to himself as he smiled at the vivacious woman in front of him. “Shall we?” He asked, making a grand sweeping gesture towards the door to the coffee shop. Bilbo smiled at him behind her hands, and they walked in together. 


	4. Misunderstandings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin forgives Bilbo for running him over on his bike. they have a lovely time albeit with a little misunderstanding... but I wonder who Bilbo works for?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SQUEE okay so I promised you I'd get it by Saturday and here it is! My lazy ass actually had to work for once, nice change. Um yeah I just um I'm kind of squealing from all the nicness just thank you guys so much! I really appreciate all the kudos and favorites oh I feel special thank you! next chapter probably a little later like Friday sorry guys I'm busy next week :/

Bilbo was sitting nervously at the table when Thorin came back with her drink.

“One lemon Italian soda and a cranberry muffin! You sure you don’t want anything else?” Thorin asked her, putting the plate down on the table.

She looked up at him and wished he would sit down. She was getting a neck ache from having to look up at him. “No thanks, this is great. Are you sure you won’t let me pay? I mean, I did offer to buy you coffee…”Bilbo trailed off as Thorin waved a hand at her.

“It’s fine, really. I don’t get a chance to treat people often apart from my greedy friends.” Thorin grinned as he slid into his seat across from her. “So, I don’t really go on dates a lot either. How does this normally go?”

Bilbo took a sip of her drink and thought for a second. “You know, I’m not really certain. Most of my dating experience comes from bad romance novels and even worse movies. Most of my dates end in them taking me home and never calling me again.” She smiled, a memory tugging at her mind. “Actually, there was this one boy... Love of my life. We dated for a whole year before he moved away. I never really got over him.”

Thorin looked interested. “And when was this?”

“Oh… kindergarten.” Bilbo chuckled, and Thorin looked slightly relieved.

“Well, at least it means I probably won’t have any competition unless your mystery man comes back. Who was he, anyways?”

Bilbo thought for a moment, and shook her head. “You know, I honestly can’t remember. It was something like Sam or Saul or Smith or something soggy with an s. Shameful, isn’t it? You must think terribly of me, not even remembering my first boyfriend’s name. What about you, though? Had a lot of girlfriends?”

Thorin looked a little uncomfortable, and Bilbo quickly backtracked. “I don’t… I mean, you shouldn’t tell me if it makes you uncomfortable. I just have a habit of rambling on if I go unchecked and didn’t want to dominate the conversation.”

Thorin smiled at her again, and broke a piece off her muffin, amused at her affronted look at his actions. “Well, no, it’s just… truth be told, I’ve had a series of short, painful relationships that were over in a couple days. It’s really only been physical for me.” Bilbo looked down and blushed, and Thorin wondered if he’d gone too far in his descriptions.  _I mean, she_ did _ask…_  he thought to himself, but Bilbo just looked up at him and bit her lip before speaking.

“That… I wanted to thank you for last night. It’s kind of random, but I know that you could have just left me or…” she blushed even harder. “…taken me. And you didn’t, even though I remember encouraging you. But you realized I wasn’t in my right mind, and tucked me in, and gave me a glass of water for the morning and I just really appreciate it. I don’t know what you must think of me now, but that wasn’t really me, and I just wanted you to know that. So… thank you again.”

Thorin looked at her in confusion. He had only done what any good person would do. There was no reason to thank him for it.

“I mean, I don’t really see the reason for thanking me. You probably just couldn’t resist my manly good looks and overwhelming charm,” Thorin said grandly.

Bilbo looked down again and took a small bite out of her muffin. That kind of attitude just annoyed her so much. He was probably joking, but I mean… come  _on._  Who is that full of themselves?

Thorin looked at her furiously nibbling at her muffin. Oh god, she was adorable with her tiny hands clutching the pastry and her expressive face with the tips of her ears slowly turning a dark red and- she wasn’t taking him seriously now, was she? He sobered up for a second, surprised that he needed to. Normally he wasn’t this humorous. But if she had actual feelings for him- no, that couldn’t work. Ever.

Bilbo looked up at Thorin to catch him staring at her with a small frown. She scoffed a little, way back in her throat. “Whatsa matter, big boy? Never had a girl not fall into your arms in the first 10 minutes?” she asked a little bitingly.

Thorin laughed, reassured. Damn, but she was biting! From there on, the conversation flowed pretty smoothly until he casually mentioned his work on accident. He bit his tongue as he let slip, “Oh, right, I see all sorts in my line of work, not all of them real pretty-” and shushed himself. If Bilbo thought it was odd, oh well. Just don’t let her ask about his work… pleasepleaseplease…

“Oh yeah, I never even asked you about your work!” she laughed. “You must think I’m terribly rude. What do you do for a living?”

Thorin winced at his big mouth and tried to cover. “Oh, just… you know, this and that, odd jobs. Nothing really stable.”

She grinned at him, still oblivious and not getting the hint. “Oh, that’s cool! What kind of jobs? Like temp jobs or handyman or what?”

He scowled. “Like maybe I don’t want to talk about it. Drop it.” He winced at her widened eyes and hurt expression, but closed it behind a door. Why should he care if she’s offended? She shouldn’t have been prying in the first place and he barely knew her!

Bilbo was kind of stunned before making the connection. He didn’t have long lasting relationships. It was mostly physical for him. He didn’t want to talk about his work. She looked at him sadly and reached to touch his hand.

“Look, it’s… it’s okay. We’ve all had our low spots. I understand, all right? And I don’t think any less of you for it. You keep yourself safe, right though? Protected?” Bilbo had never actually met a prostitute before, and had never thought a man like this would be one.  _But you just never knew,_  she sighed internally.

Thorin’s eyes widened in shock. She… she guessed?  _Shit._  This wasn’t good at all. He knew what this meant, and it was never good. They were going to have to snatch her. No one could know who he actually was. He looked at her in regret as she touched his palm, looking into her eyes… and were those…  _tears_? Wait, what?

“Um, wait. You figured out my job?” He had to make sure as doubt crept into his mind.

“Look, Thorin, it’s all right. I’m not judging you. If you want, I can help you. I actually went to Thailand a couple years back to help women who were being prostituted. I can help, if you want me to. Just tell me.” Bilbo felt her heart going out to the man and squeezed his fist, now immovable on the table. He looked as if he was carved out of stone. She thought it must have been mortifying for him to have had her figure out his real job, and she winced in empathy.

Thorin was paralyzed. He didn’t know whether to laugh or just stand up and scream, “I’M NOT A PROSTITUTE!” To the entire café. How in  _hell’s_ name did she come up with a story like that? He settled for gently prying her small hand off his larger one and telling her gently, “Bilbo, I’m not a prostitute. I’m just an odd job man. Some people take it weird which is why I didn’t want to tell you a lot when you asked. For god’s sake,  _I am not a prostitute._ ” He had to put emphasis on his words at her disbelieving, and then mortified look.

“OH my god, Oh my oh my god. I am so sorry- I just assumed- you mentioned it was mostly physical and didn’t do relationships- I AM SO SORRY!” She almost wailed, and other people turned to look at them. Thorin had to bite his lip to keep from laughing out loud.

“Bilbo! Bilbo, calm down! It’s all right! It’s not even a big deal-” he choked a little, not able to keep his laughter in at the look of complete and utter embarrassment on her face.

Finally, he couldn’t keep it in and just burst out laughing. Her red face looked like a comic, her mouth turned down at the corners so far it was almost touching her chin and her brow furrowed. She looked at him in consternation before smiling as well. Soon, a chuckle escaped her as she watched Thorin and she began to giggle.

They were both almost falling out of their chairs when two strangers walked in and Thorin quickly sobered. Bilbo looked at him bemusedly before turning and seeing the two men. One was short, with light hair and a beard, and the other was a little taller with darker hair and five o’ clock shadow. They looked around before their eyes settled on the tall, dark haired, curvy barista texting at the counter. The two men looked at each other and went over, still glancing around.

Thorin was livid. What did they think they were doing here? He glared at Fili and Kili as they approached the attractive barista, grateful that he was in a corner and out of direct view from the door.

He could just overhear snippets of their conversation, words like “seen Thorin?” and “sorry, thought he might have come to see you…” which did nothing to mollify him. Sure, the girl was his type and his nephews  _knew_  it, but in all honesty, if he had wanted to see her she would be working at something very different by now. He stiffened as the woman pointed over to his and Bilbo’s table and turned back to her phone.

Bilbo turned in her seat to see who Thorin was glaring at. “Don’t look,” he hissed at her. She turned back to him in surprise as the men walked over to their table and grinned at Thorin. He scowled up at them in response.

“Whoa there, uncle, you might roast us to death with that look!” the blonde one said.

Bilbo looked at Thorin, confused. “Uncle?” she asked. “You didn’t mention any relatives.” Thorin groaned, having hoped she wouldn’t say anything to draw the brother’s attention.

No such luck. The boys focused on her in an instant and let their smiles grow wider. “Why, I can’t imagine why he wouldn’t!” the darker one said, moving to Bilbo’s right side.

“No, not at all, when we act as the angels on his shoulders,” the blonde one murmured to her, closing in on her left side. “Uncle couldn’t manage a day without us, pretty lady.” Bilbo blushed and looked down as the brothers laughed.

They backed off and bowed to her comically. “Fili-” “and Kili-” “At your service, madam!” they said together.

“Honestly uncle, I had no idea why you would be trying to  _hide_  from us! But now I see this lovely young lady on your arm and maybe we could forgive you…” Kili winked at Bilbo and she blushed even harder.

“We’re very sorry miss, but we’re going to have to take our uncle and his lecherous ways elsewhere for a while. There’s some family business that needs to be taken care of.” Fili seemed to be a little less raucous, staring at Thorin with sober eyes.

Thorin growled at them for a second before sighing and standing up. “I’m really sorry; maybe we could do this another time? When family’s involved, well… I’m sure you understand.” He looked at her apologetically.

“Yeah. I do.” She half-whispered. “No, it’s all right. It’s already-” she glanced at her watch and yelped. “It’s almost 12:15! I’m going to be late; I’m going to be late for work!”! Thank you so much, it was a lot of fun!” she bobbed a little in Thorin’s direction and turned to his nephews. “It was- ah- a pleasure to meet you,” she muttered and ran out of the café blushing.

The trio stood at the window watching her swing herself up into her aviator bike and pedal furiously away, slightly slack-jawed. “Well, uncle, you certainly have yourself a handful there.” Kili nudged Thorin with an elbow.

“Aye, we might be a bit tempted to take a pinch of that.” Fili winked at his uncle and grabbed him by one arm as Kili claimed the other. “But while we couldn’t say so in front of that wee lass, this really is quite important with concern to the family. So, onwards!”

The two shorter men dragged him out of the café before he could say another word and loaded him into their car. They drove away, not looking back, and Thorin wished he had been able to stay longer.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“I’m sorry I was almost late,” Bilbo said, panting in front of her boss.

“It’s alright, Baggins; just make sure it doesn’t happen again. I need you to deliver this package to 802 Rivendell Avenue by two o’clock precisely. Understood?” the tall man in the grey suit asked.

“Rivendell, right. I’ll be there, mister Gandalf. Anything else?” she asked, looking up at her employer, having finally regained her breath.

“No, that’ll be all for right now, but I have another couple messages to be delivered around 4, so just make sure you’re back here by then. Good day, Ms. Baggins.” Gandalf Greyhame nodded jovially to Bilbo, signaling that she could leave. She took the package and hopped back on her bike, not quite ready for the rest of the day but willing to give it a shot. Hey, maybe she could even call Thorin later! The thought made her smile as she pedaled away to deliver the package, the warm California air making her hair flutter and the thought of calling Thorin making her stomach do the same thing.


	5. A little time to relax

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bilbo relaxes at home after a long day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, I know it's kinda short but I didn't have computer access at all this week, not to mention that I'm in Vancouver currently. I had a glaring typo in the last chapter, bilbo's employer is NOT Thrandy, it's Gandalf. Gar ok summary: filler chapter, sorry, but have no computer and im in a different country so turns out all right I hope

Bilbo hummed as she wheeled her bike down the driveway. All in all it had been a pretty good day. She'd been able to thank Thorin, and with any luck, she'd be able to see him again. Maybe he'd even call first. 

For now, though, she'd had quite enough excitement. She unlocked her apartment door and flicked on the light, revealing the same disarray she'd made that morning rushing out the door. Humming gently to herself, she got her computer out of her messenger bag and opened her music folder. She clicked on her classical playlist, sighing happily to herself as Vivaldi's 'spring' drifted through her small apartment. 

Swaying gently to the soft music, Bilbo  started picking up random possessions off the floor where she had thrown them in her haste that morning. After About fifteen minutes of cleanup, the apartment was to her satisfaction and she felt her stomach growl in complaint as it remembered that all it had had that day was an egg, sausages, and a cranberry muffin too many hours ago. 

Opening her fridge and seeing... Well, too much food as it was, Bilbo shut it again with a groan. Did she really feel like cooking right now? The vehement answer her aching muscles provided was that no, no she did not.

 After biking all the way out to Rivendell drive, which was for some reason almost impossible to find and way out in the sticks, the last thing she wanted to do was bend over a hot stove. Takeout it was. Bilbo smiled to herself as she dialed the number for the nearby Italian delivery service. As she placed her order for a small salad and a medium chicken Alfredo, she glanced at the clock. 5:30... They should be here around 6:15, giving her just enough time to run to the laundromat right next door. Bilbo stretched, turned off her computer, and grabbed a shawl. She put it loosely over her hair and walked leisurely out the door. 

Well, it was 6:30 and there was no Italian food service knocking at her door. She was slightly put out, having rushed to get her laundry and come back in time, but although she now had a large hamper full of clothes, she did not have any delicious noodles. She was about to open her fridge with a sigh of dismay and just cook herself something when the buzzer rang. She rushed to the door, much faster than she would have normally, but she was starving. Smiling, she threw open the door to find- a much distressed delivery boy who had obviously just been crying. Bilbo's impatience quickly turned to concern. 

"um, delivery for baggins? The boy choked out. 

"I... Yeah, that's me," bilbo replied, worried. "are you alright?"

"I'm f-fine. Here." the boy thrust bilbo's food into her hands, practically running away.

"here, wait a minute!" bilbo cried, catching the boy's sleeve. "Seriously, what's wrong? Please, come in for a second." she gently drew the now crying boy into her apartment, gently closing the door behind him.

"here now, have a seat and let's talk." Bilbo directed him to sit on the couch and sat down next to him.  "Please, just let me help. You shouldn't be driving in this condition anyways. What's your name?" 

The boy looked down at Bilbo's hands squeezing her own, and promptly burst into loud sobs. 

"my name's Ori," he managed through his tears. "sorry, it's just been a really, really bad day." he continued on to explain how his boyfriend had been ignoring his calls, his boss was an arrogant dickhead who thought it was alright to constantly hurl abuse and crude taunts at him, and how his older brothers thought he was too young to even be on his own. 

"I've actually just been in a row with Nori," he said. "he basically said I was too young and innocent to do anything by myself and I should just stay with him and Dori until I could learn a bit about the outside world. As if I don't know what he does already!" he finished bitterly. "and Dori doesn't even say anything! He just sits there and agrees with Nori! For god's sake, I'm 23! I think it's about time I started living my own life!" Ori finished, out of breath.

"Oh honey, don't worry. I know you probably know this, but your older siblings just want to keep you around for as long as possible. They don't want to have to face the harsh reality that their baby brother has grown up and might be able to live without them, because they can't live without you. Don't worry. Instead of fighting with them, sit down and have a very calm talk about your life decisions. They can't be angry with you for wanting to be a responsible adult."

Ori looked at her, a hopeful smile on his face.  "you really think that will work?" when Bilbo nodded, he started crying again. "Oh, thank you so much! I've just been miserable about this- this is such a relief to talk about it with someone, even If I do feel a bit silly about crying so much. I don't even know your name- I'm sorry! What was it?"

"I'm Bilbo. Well, I'm just glad you're feeling better. I suggest taking the rest of the night off and simply having a family talk." Bilbo patted Ori gingerly on the back as he wiped at his eyes with her fingerless woolen gloves. 

"thank you so much again! I will definitely take your advice- here, this is my number," he said, scrawling a messy phone number on a piece of paper and handing it to Bilbo. "call me if you need something- anything. Thank you so much! He waved and rushed away, smiling brightly. 

Bilbo shook her head, smiling at Ori's antics. She dropped the. Crumpled piece of paper on her table and sat down, ravenous. As she tucked into her pasta, she glanced at the clock. It was already 6:45! She groaned, wishing she'd had more time to eat, but knowing she couldn't skip this. This day seemed far too long to be real. Scarfing down the rest of her meal, she opened her computer again and opened Skype. Clicking the green name that she had labeled "head case" and started the video call. 

"hello, Bilbo. How are you today?" her psychiatrist asked. 

"I'm pretty good, Galadriel. I actually went out on a sort of date today. Managed not to steal my employer's package." 

Galadriel smiled at her. "I do love your wry humor, Bilbo. Ah, you had a date? With whom? How did it go?"

"Pretty good, I'd say. His name's Thorin. He took me home form the club last night when I was... Um... Unwell. We went out for coffee this morning. I was actually almost late to work cause I lost track of time. I made it, though!" she added quickly at Galadriel's raised eyebrows.

"Galadriel, can I ask you something? Why am I still in these appointments? I know the state said it was necessary but I mean let's be honest with each other. You know I'm perfectly alright now. I haven't regressed to the way I was four years ago, or even two years ago. I feel perfectly able and confident." Bilbo loved Galadriel, thinking of her more as an aunt than a therapist, but she honestly didn't see the necessity in the appointments anymore. Couldn't Galadriel put a word in for her? or someone from the state come and talk to her? 

"Bilbo, I know you find these appointments tiring, but believe me, I don't think these are necessary either. You seem to have adjusted perfectly well, but you know the law as well as I do. Anyone with a kleptomania case like yours has to be monitored by a state approved psychologist for at least a year after. Your good behavior is the reason we can do this through Skype rather than in person, but I wouldn't dare bend the law any further, even for you. Don't worry, Bilbo, it's only for another couple weeks." Galadriel smiled gently at her, enjoying the look on Bilbo's face as she realized that she had been in rehab therapy for nearly a year.

"Are you serious? I'm almost done with this?" Bilbo was ecstatic. No more wasting her evenings talking to a psychiatrist who, though wonderful, always seemed so above everything and knowing that she could hardly stand it sometimes. Not to mention causing her insane jealousy. Galadriel's long blond hair and tall, willowy stature provided Bilbo with no amount of envy as it was quite different from her own short, softer body.

Bilbo could hardly remember how the rest of the session went. She was too busy planning what to do with her upcoming free time in the evenings. Should she take a sewing class? Maybe an art class, or teach herself how to play the piano! She smiled to herself. Here she was, just getting out of one commitment and already lining up more. But that was just her way- she didn't feel quite comfortable unless she was busy. Smiling, she ended the video call and decided to have a little treat. 

She went in her room and gathered a few candles, as an afterthought grabbing her computer as well. She went into her bathroom and started the water running for a bath, adding lots of bubbles to the tub. Setting up the candles, she undressed and slid in, playing the classical music on her computer again. As she relaxed into the water, she could feel her aching muscles loosen and soaked in the sweet smell of soap.


	6. Two Surprising Guests

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lobelia and Primula head over to Bilbo's house for some girl chat, where Bilbo is interrupted by a mysterious text. cue Fili and Kili being little shits, and Thorin getting angry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh wow I am so, so sorry it took so long t post this chapter, I was lazy last week, I'll see if I can post another chapter a lot sooner to make up for it! at least this one is long, but slightly cracky.... enjoy, I love you all!

                “Bilbo? Hey, it’s Prim! I was just wondering if you wanted to hang today with Lobelia an’ me. Maybe we could come over for a bit and have some tea or something?” Bilbo smiled into the phone, enjoying Prim’s carefree tone.

                “Sure, Prim, that sounds great. What time should I be expecting you?” Bilbo replied.

                “Oh, whenever. Between 11 and 11:30. See you then- kisses!” Prim hung up the phone with a snap, leaving Bilbo shaking her head at her younger cousin. She acted as though she was still merely a teenager, when in reality she was about to graduate from college. She still had that light, untroubled mindset that Bilbo had lost years ago. Still smiling and humming to herself, she went to her pantry to see if she had any snacks.

                Bilbo had just finished setting out the iced tea when someone knocked. Smiling, Bilbo opened the door. “Lobelia, Primula! Come in, come in!” she ushered her two friends in, sitting them down at the table and setting a plate with pastries on it on the table for them.

                Lobelia aimed her pinched-looking smile at Bilbo, taking a scone from the plate and passing it to Primula. “Oh, Bilbo, I just want to apologize for the club incident,” Lobelia drawled. “I feel just awful for leaving you there, I really do. Was getting home too much of a hassle for you?” Bilbo tried to ignore the almost hopeful note in Lobelia’s question.

                “Oh, no, Lil, I was perfectly alright. The man I danced with gave me a ride home, it was perfectly-” she never got to finish her sentence as Lobelia dropped her tea all over the carpet.

                “HE DID _WHAT?”_ she all but shrieked, jumping to her feet. “Bilbo, that is so irresponsible! He could have been a psycho murderer, or a rapist, or god knows what else! Oh my god, did you _sleep_ with him?”

                Bilbo winced as Lobelia’s piercing voice rose in volume. “Of course I didn’t sleep with him, Lobelia! I’m not that kind of girl, you know that!”

                Primula looked up at Bilbo and winked, still delicately sipping her tea. “Well, Bilbo, if _that_ didn’t happen, tell us what _did_! Lil won’t say, you know she’s far too proper, but you know I want to hear all about hunky mystery man. What went down, huh?”

                Bilbo blushed and looked down. “I have to admit, I was pretty far gone. I was really, really drunk- don’t look at me like that, Lil, you know I’m not a heavy drinker and those cocktails were a lot fizzier than I’d thought! We were kissing a bit, but he realized how far gone I was, tucked me in, and left.” Bilbo decided not to mention the painfully awkward date the day after.

                “Oh, boo-ring. God, Drogo and I do more in front of his _parents_ than what you did, alone, in your bedroom. Don’t you even have _needs?_ ” Prim teased mercilessly when given a chance.

                “Primula! This is highly improper!” Lobelia’s face was red. Bilbo grinned to herself, wondering how anyone like this mismatched pair could be such close friends. She was still grinning as she mopped up the tea on the floor, but a little less so as Lobelia’s high pitched voice continued to chatter on about propriety and standards. As she threw away the rags and returned to her friends, she caught the tail end of Lobelia’s lecture.

                “…and to top it off, you’re only 23!”

                At this, even Bilbo rolled her eyes, and Prim snorted. “Lil, you’re 28. Not even a decade older than me and you’re _married_. And while Bilbo here is acting great as the 40-year-old virgin, we can’t all fit this perfect mindset.” Lobelia huffed under her breath but allowed the topic to be steered away, both ignoring Bilbo’s quiet protest of “I’m only 27!”

                The conversation turned to other things, Lobelia chatting happily away about how her garden was faring and how her azaleas were definitely winning some county fair prize. Primula nodded and smiled politely, not particularly interested in Lobelia’s special fertilizer, but Bilbo hung on to every word, being quite interested in plants herself. It was when Prim and Lil started talking about uni that Bilbo quietly excused herself to use the bathroom, picking up her phone on the way. While in the privacy of her little sanctuary, she took the opportunity to check her messages, frowning when she saw 2 from an unknown number. _Hey, we’ll probably stop by later_ , and _almost there!_ greeted her when she opened them. Frowning, she went out into the living room again.

                “Hey, Lobelia, did you get a new phone? I think you texted me…?” Bilbo asked, a little uncertain. Lobelia huffed.

                “Of course I didn’t, my old phone is perfectly satisfactory! I’ve had it for four years now, it’s much more durable than the junk those companies are trying to sell you nowadays. Why, this phone has gone through so much-” Lobelia was interrupted by a knock on the door.

                Staring from her phone to her door and back again, Bilbo felt a little flutter of nerves in her stomach. The tone of the messages was friendly, but this person had her number, and apparently knew where she _lived_ as well, assuming the texter and knocker were one and the same. If Bilbo knew anything, she knew coincidences didn’t happen often, especially where she was involved.

                Bilbo sighed to herself, brushing off the paranoia from a different job and a different time, and went over to the door. “May I help you?” she asked, opening it cautiously.

                “Bilbo! Lovely to see you! May we come in?” the young man from the café yesterday lowered his hand, which was raised to knock again. Behind him, the darker one grinned at her in a way Bilbo did not feel was entirely appropriate.

                “Oh! Um, Fili, wasn’t it? And Kili? I’m sorry, should I have been expecting you?” Bilbo’s voice was trailing off as the two men smiled at her and walked into her apartment. She glanced up and down the hallway, thinking she would see Thorin there or _someone_ , but it was empty.  

                Bemused, she closed the door and turned around, almost bumping into Kili. “Careful there, sweetheart,” he said with a wink and a grin as Bilbo stumbled back.

                “I- yes, I’m sorry, please sit down. Maybe you could explain what you’re doing here?” Bilbo offered politely, blushing all the while, but the manners her mother drove into her shone though. “I’ll see if I have more scones for you two,” she murmured as she pulled a chair for Fili. Kili seemed quite content to sit on the couch, jammed in between Prim and Lobelia, the former looking confused and the latter scandalized.

                “Oh yes, didn’t you get my text?” Fili asked, hardly looking worried. “I told you we might be stopping by later.” Bilbo looked at him oddly, but he just smiled charmingly back at her.

                “Yes, but that really doesn’t explain what you’re doing here- Oh, hold on one moment, I’m getting a call.” Breathless at the sheer oddness of her situation, she went to the kitchen to answer the call.

                “Mr. Gandalf, hello! Can I do something for you?” Bilbo asked. Nodding, she wrote down that he needed to see her tomorrow around 7 and would be stopping by. “All right, thank you, see you tomorrow.” Bilbo hung up and pinned the note onto her calendar. Sighing to herself again, she picked up a small plate of scones and went out to find… utter chaos.

 Prim was attempting to pull an angry Lobelia off of Kili, who was being furiously beaten with Lobelia’s umbrella. Fili was hovering off to the side, looking unsure whether to laugh or help Kili.

“YOU- DIRTY- RAT!” Lobelia screamed, punctuating each word with a blow as Kili tried desperately to shield himself. “HOW DARE YOU! I’LL TEACH YOU TO DO THAT, YOU AWFUL MAN!”

The room grew deathly quiet as the plate of scones shattered on the floor, everyone’s eyes going to Bilbo. Slowly, Lobelia lowered the umbrella and Kili edged away.

“What the _hell_ is going on here?” Bilbo asked, her face blank and her mouth opened slightly in shock.

Slowly the story came out. Apparently Lobelia had attempted to inquire as to how they knew Bilbo, and when it came out that they had met her on Thorin’s date with her, Lobelia had risen in shock to confront Bilbo about it. Kili, not missing an opportunity with her posterior waving in front of him, had… Here, Bilbo was having a hard time getting the details. Prim was giggling too hard to be of any help figuring this out, Lobelia insisted he had groped her, Kili insisted it was just an innocent poke to her rear, and Fili said it was just a pinch. She sighed, indecisive on whether to be amused or irritated. She decided on brisk instead.

“I’m so sorry Lobelia, maybe you should retire. This seems to have upset you greatly. Perhaps you should escort Prim back to your house to relax.”

 Not needing any further incitements to leave, Lobelia swept out the door, glaring daggers over her shoulder at Kili and Fili. Prim trailed behind her, sniggering when she looked at Kili’s hurt face, and closed the door after them. Bilbo turned to the brothers, arms crossed and lips pursed, posture demanding an explanation.

“Sorry, Ms. Baggins,” Kili muttered pathetically, looking for all the world like a kicked puppy. “I didn’t mean any harm- it was just a playful poke!”

Bilbo sighed, unable to stay mad in the face of the humongous doe eyes. “Fine, it’s all fine. Don’t worry. Let’s take a look at your poor head, then,” she sighed, grabbing the cup of ice and wrapping it in the towel on the coffee table. She leaned over Kili, inspecting the damage Lobelia’s umbrella had done as Fili claned up the dropped scone plate.

“Oh dear, this doesn’t look very good,” she fussed, leaning farther over to see he full scope of injury. “This doesn’t look god at all.” She moved forward to look at it closer, not feeling Kili stiffen under her.

“Oh, that’s funny. I think Kili thinks it looks great!” Fili chortled off to the side. Bilbo twisted, her side pressing against Kili to look bemusedly at Fili.

“But this really does seem painful, why would he be enjoying it?” she asked, untangling her fingers from Kili’s hair. "Here, I should get some Tylenol for him."

“Oh no, I think you missed something on the far side of his head, it looks a little red there!” Fili said quickly with a badly concealed smirk. Concerned, Bilbo turned back and leaned even farther over Kili to see, and in doing so pressing her chest into his face. She leaped back, mortified.

“Oh my word, I- I didn’t mean- FILI!” her face was red from embarrassment and annoyance. “Why didn’t you say anything?” she turned on Kili, crossing her arms over herself.

“I couldn’t exactly- I mean what am I supposed to tell you? Hey Bilbo, would you mind not taking care of me right now?”

Fili was laughing uproariously at his joke. “Oh, I _bet_ you want her to take care of you!” he howled, almost doubled over.

Bilbo was not amused. “How _dare_ you! That- that was not funny!” She stammered, advancing on Fili and waving her finger under his nose. “First you come to my house with practically no advance warning, and then you assault my guests!” Fili was backing up as Bilbo started towards him, looking nervous. Kili almost laughed at the sight of his brother being forced back by the tiny woman, but his sense of self-preservation kicked in and he stayed quiet.

“And then- and _then_ , you take advantage of my hospitality to play immature jokes! I won’t have it, I say! I will. Not. Have it!” she forced Fili up to the curtain, where he suddenly disappeared. Bilbo blinked, and looked at Kili.

“Uh… what just happened?” she said uncertainly. Kili shrugged, standing up gingerly to see what had happened to his brother. He walked over to the curtain, twitching it aside to reveal the open window, and Fili dangling by his fingertips from the ledge.

“Are you going to stand there gawking like an idiot or are you going to help me up?” he asked. Kili laughed, but grabbed him by the wrists and pulled him in, Fili swinging his weight to help.

“I don’t understand, though. I could have sworn I closed that window before Lobelia got here- oh. She must have opened it. She’s always complaining about how stuffy my apartment is.” Bilbo was sitting down now, chin on her folded hands as she looked at her guests. “Now, do you want to explain what you two are doing here?” she appeared calmer, but the brother's decided to turn on the charm anyways.

“Well, you see-” Kili started.

“We were in the neighborhood, and we seemed to remember Uncle telling us about a charming young lady who lived close by-” Fili continued.

“So we decided to stop in for a social visit!” Kili finished, smiling cheekily at her.

Bilbo was blushing again. The brothers were looking at her playfully, and flirting in a way that was completely alien to her. Luckily (or not so much, as she was about to find out) there was a knock on the door.

“What, _another_ unexpected guest?” Bilbo practically cried. “Just stay where you are, I’ll get it,” she said, motioning for the pair to sit down again as they rose to answer the door.

Opening it, she was even more surprised to find Thorin. “Are they here?” he all but growled, face stormy.

“I- you mean Fili and Kili? Yes, um, they’re here now, for some reason or another…” Bilbo was almost scared as the large man brushed past her into her apartment. It didn’t seem like Thorin, it seemed like some strange, dangerous man.

“WHAT the HELL are you two doing here?” Thorin shouted when he saw Fili and Kili sipping tea on Bilbo’s sofa.

“We… um… we just wanted to stop in to say hi to Bilbo?” Fili said nervously.

Thorin glared at him. “Car. Outside. Now. Both of you.” He stepped aside so the brothers could scuttle past, yanking the small braids in their hair as they passed.

He turned to Bilbo, relaxing and seeming less frightening. “Sorry about that, I really didn’t expect them to bother you. They have a habit of poking their noses where they don’t belong. Can I make it up to you? Maybe with dinner? I know a great place off Jackson.”

Bilbo relaxed a little as well, feeling slightly numb after the morning’s events. “I- yeah, okay text me with the details,” she said, in a soft monotone.

“All right, I’ll see you later!” he said, and with a wink and a wave he was off. Bilbo closed the door behind him and sat down on the couch.

“I think I need a drink,” she muttered to herself.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT.” The boys flinched as Thorin opened slid into the driver’s seat of the car and immediately started on his tirade. “You can’t hang around her. It’s dangerous enough with me already; we can’t take this kind of risk! What were you even thinking? She met you all of _once_ , and you show up at her apartment? How is that not suspicious?” Thorin took a breath, far from finished, but was interrupted by Kili’s small voice.

“You know we had to check her out, make sure she was safe. You seem pretty upbeat about her- you haven’t even tried to sleep with her. And it’s standard protocol, you can’t just ignore that. Besides, we were careful. No one saw us enter the building.”

Thorin looked at him in the rearview mirror, and simply shook his head. “Fine. But just so you know- for future reference- hands off.” 


	7. Looking Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gandalf decides to stop by for dinner, Bilbo makes a trip to the store and dances in the aisles because I just really like that image and Bilbo will love to dance for I am master here, and sad memories reveal themselves with a little boom backstory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this is a little filler chapter that i liked a lot with some backstory but the next one shall be posted quite swiftly, I think you can all guess what part is coming next :) this isn't strictly in chronological order but let's be honest when has that mattered just ask C.S. Lewis. Okay kisses enjoy new chapter soon!

                “Gandalf, I’m really not sure that will work- no, no, of course not, I’m just trying to say- Look, I don’t want an adventure, I’m perfectly fine without one! Listen, could I please just- yes, I understand. All right. When should I be expecting you? Around seven, you said? Fine. I’ll have dinner on the table. This wasn’t in my job description, you know!” With that last word to her irritating employer, Bilbo hung up the phone.

                 She was quite vexed; Gandalf had changed plans on her at the last minute from stopping by to staying for dinner, ignoring her protests and most likely planning to nick some of her stuff when he arrived. She glanced at the clock and grabbed her wallet, heading out to buy supplies for that evening.

                As she swung her backpack onto her bike, Bilbo ran a checklist through her head of what she should get while she was at the store. _Fish, lemons, blueberries, honey, soap. All right. Hopefully Gandalf doesn’t want to steal my soap as well. Better get a floral scent just to be safe._ She smiled to herself, remembering the last time Gandalf had been over.

 He was a rich, eccentric old man who had a bad habit of setting things on fire and nicking Bilbo’s trinkets, making them appear elsewhere or disappear entirely. He had lit a whole slew of illegal fireworks in the fields behind her apartment when Bilbo was younger and her mother was still alive, causing Bilbo to laugh in delight and her mother to purse her lips as flowers made out of fire exploded in the night sky.

Bilbo’s throat tightened at the memory that came, unbidden, of how after the funeral Gandalf had taken her aside and told her gently he would help with anything she needed. She had pushed him away at the time, but after being fired from her job at the flower shop and developing a growing kleptomaniacal disorder, she swallowed her pride and called him up.

He had given her a job on the spot, employing her as his personal bike messenger. The work hours were all over the place, Gandalf sometimes calling her at 6 in the morning or 9 at night, but she only had to work 25 hours a week and the pay was fifty dollars a delivery. Combined with the comfortable amount her mother had left her, Bilbo got by very nicely. Pulling into the store, she started humming to herself under her breath. It was a beautiful day and sad memories wouldn’t interfere right then, not if she could help it. She walked into the store, heading for the seafood section in the back to get a small trout fillet. It was a meal both she and Gandalf enjoyed, and she licked her lips in anticipation. 

Heading to gather the rest of her items, she felt around in her purse for her iPod, putting in her earbuds and smiling as the familiar sounds of Gaelic Storm filled her ears. She smiled, unable to keep the extra spring out of her step as she listened to the upbeat Irish music. On an impulse, she looked around the store to make sure no one was nearby, and proceeded to start a little dance of her own. Bilbo nimbly twirled and spun up the soap aisle, laughing at the sheer absurdity of her situation. Shaking her hips, she swiped the items she needed into her basket and headed to checkout, quite flushed with the risk of potential embarrassment.

                Bilbo pulled out her wallet at the self-checkout, feeding a couple bills into the machine. She collected her bags and walked out the door, smiling to herself all the way home. It had just been one of those good days, and all she could think of was that it was going to get even better.


	8. Suddenly, a Dinner Party!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> woops. suddenly Bilbo's apartment is full of strange men eating her food, messing up her kitchen and rearranging her living room.

It was 6:45 in the evening, the trout was nearly done frying, and Bilbo was just making herself a cup of tea. Gandalf would be arriving shortly, and Bilbo’s apartment was neatened, her mother’s china on the table and a tasteful doily placed on the mantelpiece. She smiled to herself, knowing Gandalf would be suitably impressed with her living conditions, and happy with her day. It had been wonderful, first receiving a free iced tea from that nice little café she and Thorin had gone to, then receiving a nice bike kit in the mail that she had been expecting for several weeks.  
She glanced at the clock again as she took the fish off the stove. 6:50- just enough time to season it and get properly dressed. Bilbo cut a lemon in half, starting to squeeze it gently over the trout. As she made one pass over it, the doorbell rang. She looked up, frowning. If anything, Gandalf was normally a little late, not ten minutes early. Putting down the lemon, she shrugged on her bathrobe over the light dress she was wearing and opened the door.   
“Oh! Um, I’m sorry, can I help you?” standing in the hallway was the largest man Bilbo had ever seen. He was even taller than Gandalf, large, black Mohawk brushing the hallway ceiling. His skull was tattooed and his enormous beard only partly covered up the studded leather jacket he wore.   
“Dwalin, at yer service!” the giant proclaimed with a head bob. His towering hair brushed the doorframe with a scraping sound and he raised an eyebrow. “Ya gonna let me in or am I gonna hafta sit in the hall all night?” He drawled.  
Bilbo squeaked, quickly drawing her dressing gown closed, and, uncertain what fit of insanity seized her, stepped aside to let him into the apartment. “Um, Bilbo Baggins, at yours. I’m sorry, do we know each other?” she asked uncertainly, trailing behind him as he made his way into her kitchen.  
“I wouldn’t think so, darlin’. Ah, food!” Bilbo saw he danger to her meal belatedly as Dwalin plopped himself down in her chair and began devouring her fish. She could only stare openmouthed as he ate the entire trout, leaving only a smattering of bones on the plate.   
“Ver’ good, this. Ya got anymore?” he asked, reclining and looking proud of himself. Bilbo numbly got the cake she had baked that day and put it on the table. Dwalin demolished those as fast, if not faster, than the fish.  
“Look, this is highly inappropriate,” Bilbo started. “You can’t just barge in here and eat my dinner-” she was cut off by another knock at the door. “Oh god,” she muttered, paling. Gandalf was here (finally) and she had no food ready, not even the cake. She was about to be mortified.  
Slowly, she walked over and answered the door. It was not Gandalf. Instead, a different old man stood in the hallway, half as tall as Gandalf and infinitely more wrinkled. His white hair was not in a Mohawk but rather a short, fluffy halo and a beard that went halfway down his chest that distracted Bilbo to no end.  
“Balin, at yer service! Am I late, Miss?” He too bowed, and somehow talked her around until he was standing inside and she was left to get the door. She wordlessly closed it, trying to catch Balin’s attention so she could politely ask him his business and hurry him out the door. She felt ashamed at this thought- hadn’t her mother always taught her to be polite to guests, even uninvited ones?  
“BALIN!” A roar from her kitchen startled her as the giant rushed out. “Ah, it’s been far too long!”   
“Dwalin, you old vagabond, what trouble have you been getting yourself into?” Balin shouted right back at him. Bilbo really hoped that the neighbors wouldn’t complain.  
“Oh, you troublesome old man, you should know, eh!” the two men grasped each other’s arms, squinting at each other with what looked to be suspicious affection to Bilbo. She was completely unprepared for the men to lean forward and, with a bang, smash their foreheads together.  
“Oh my god! Are you okay? Do you need-” She stopped, as it was evident they couldn’t hear her over their wild laughter. She shrunk away from the maniacs and slunk back into her kitchen, where hopefully she could figure everything out.   
She sat down in her plush armchair, the one that had held her in times of distress and turmoil and clutched at the arms. She had strange men invading her flat, no food for her employer, and no idea what to do. She supposed she could always whip up some spaghetti quickly for Gandalf, though she knew it would never do. He liked big and flashy, and a modest pasta dinner would just… what were those sounds?  
Bilbo rushed out of the kitchen to see pandemonium unfolding in front of her. The couches were all pushed over to one wall, clearing a space in the middle of the room, while Dwalin and Balin sat in the middle spreading blankets and pillows out to create a sort of nest.  
Bilbo could only stare. Before she could think of anything to say, though, there was another knock on her door. She debated whether to answer it- worst case scenario it was Gandalf, and she left him out in the hallway all night. He’d had worse, and she couldn’t let him into her apartment when it was like this.  
The knocking came again, more insistent, and she shuddered. She was going to have to open the door eventually. She shuffled over to the door, opening it a crack.  
“Bilbo, great to see you again!” Fili and Kili grinned at her from her doorstep, shoulder to shoulder and blocking her view into the hallway. She desperately craned her neck to peer around them, but could see no one else in the hallway. She breathed a short lived sigh of relief.   
“All right, I suppose you want to come in as well,” she grumbled, and blushed at her rudeness. “There’s been a bit of commotion; I’ve had several unexpected guests already. It’s been quite trying.”  
As Kili and Fili walked into the apartment, Bilbo fretfully avoided looking at the large space in her living room where her comfortable furniture should have been occupying. She could already hear clinks and crashes coming from the kitchen indicating that her pantry was soon to be emptied.   
Another thunderous knocking came from the hall, and Bilbo moaned in exasperation, flustered and upset at the intrusion into her home. As she cautiously approached the door, the thunderous knocking came again and she muttered a curse under her breath.  
“Alright, I’m coming! Welcome to my home, feel free to rob me of my food and disrupt my evening!” She thought as opened the door a crack.   
She had to jump back as a tide of men swarmed into her apartment, shouting names at her and practically carrying her through the room. She finally managed to escape, and turning, a welcome sight met her eyes.  
“Gandalf!” She exclaimed. “Oh, thank goodness you’re here! I’m so dreadfully sorry, I wasn’t expecting these guests and I’m afraid your dinner was devoured by these… these intruders, but if you help me herd them out I’m sure we can go fetch something to eat and-”  
Gandalf cut her off before she could finish. “Calm down, my dear, it’s quite alright! Sorry for not alerting you, I just brought some of my friends along to discuss some things with you.” So saying, he swept into the room, leaving Bilbo with her mouth open and a shocked expression on her face.   
“Um, Ms. Bilbo? It’s me, Ori! I knew we would have a lot of people coming so I brought some extra food from the restaurant. Where should I put it?” Bilbo turned to see a familiar face still standing in the hall, holding several boxes and looking about ready to tip over.  
“Oh, yes, very good of you, just place them in the kitchen…” Bilbo said faintly, waving him on. She sat down on the floor, putting her head in between her knees, and wondering how she was ever going to fix this mess.


	9. From Bad to Worse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> surprise dinner party at Bilbo's!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys, I realize i haven't updated in forever, and i honestly kind of forgot about this fic. I'm gonna try to post a bit more, this chapter was me just trying to get back into the story so sorry for the brevity!

"Come, my girl, up we get! Can't sit around all night! There's people to meet, plans to make, things to be done!" She heard Gandalf's voice through the fog of confusion.  
"Gandalf... What is going on here?" Bilbo asked helplessly.  
"Ah, Bilbo," Gandalf's eyes had a mischievous twinkle that Bilbo did not like at all. "Did I not tell you that I might be bringing a couple friends?"  
"A couple? Bilbo wailed. "This is far more than a couple! This is... this is a horde!  
“Come, my dear, you’re exaggerating. It’s barely even a party.”  
Bilbo just stared at him, dumbstruck. “Gandalf. What am I supposed to do? I have a dozen strangers in my house, and I certainly don’t have the budget to replenish my pantry after this horde of ravenous locusts leaves!”  
“Thirteen, dear. There’s thirteen of us here,” One of the men told her as he swept past, her mother’s best china in his hands.  
“That is a distinction without a difference! You’re destroying my house- put that down! That is not a napkin!” The guilty stranger immediately dropped her crochet, hiding behind his ridiculous hat.  
“Gandalf, I can’t do this- the mess alone, I can’t take care of it by myself- I’m not even dressed- Please, Gandalf!” Bilbo was hyperventilating, bending over in an effort to contain her panic.  
“My dear, honestly, you’re getting frantic. Of course we will all help to clean up, and restocking your pantry will go down on your list of priorities very soon, hopefully.”  
That brought Bilbo up short. “What do you mean about restocking my pantry? Gandalf, what’s going on? Really?”  
Gandalf said nothing, merely sat with an enigmatic smile on his face as he stared out over the sea of men eating in Bilbo’s living room. Their shouts and tumultuous celebration scattering food everywhere. As Bilbo watched, Kili threw a something across the room, a short, round man catching it in his mouth, which led to another round of cheering and hullaballoo. They appeared to be slowing down, leaving empty dishes and silverware scattered around. After a couple more minutes, they had stopped entirely and laid there in a heap contentedly. Bilbo had to turn away in disgust.  
“These… these pigs!” She thought to herself. “Sure they’ll help me clean up. Of course.”  
She turned back, bracing herself for the inevitable mess that awaited, but was surprised to see the men actually picking things up. “Okay, maybe they can help a little,” she thought.  
“Come on boys, let’s pick up the pace! We’ll be here all night at this rate!” The one in the funny hat, Bofur, she thought, shouted. This statement was met with a chorus of shouts, and suddenly, there were dishes and plates flying through the air. Bilbo screamed.  
“Calm down, my dear.” Gandalf looked perfectly at ease, taking out a pipe and reclining in one of her armchairs, much to Bilbo’s dismay. “They know what they’re doing. Just relax.”  
Sure enough, though at times it seemed inevitable that a plate or bowl would smash onto the ground, none of the crockery procured so much as a chip. Bilbo watched, disbelief evident on her features. All she could do was gape until her dishware was back in its normal places and the guests were settled back into their spots.  
She continued to simply gape until all the other men pulled out pipes and various jars off of their person and filled her apartment with the pungent smell of weed.  
“This is unreal,” Bilbo thought, but it galvanized her into action. “Excuse me! What! You can not smoke marijuana in my apartment! What are you doing? No, put that lighter away- I see that! Stop it!” Despite her efforts to curb the festivities, soon enough there was a haze of smoke over her living room.  
Bilbo glanced at the clock. It was only 8 o’clock. How had her poor little apartment turned into this lounge for complete strangers in only an hour? Nothing could be worse than this. As if the universe itself was trying to prove her wrong, there came another knock on the door.  
“Oh, who is it this time? Did someone call strippers or something?” Bilbo shouted as she opened the door. From behind her, she heard someone say, “hey, strippers! Great idea!” but she didn’t honestly care at that moment. Because standing there, in her doorway, while her apartment was full of strangers and marijuana smoke and she stood there in her dressing gown, was Thorin.


End file.
